The Power of Repair

We’ve all been there…that moment when we’ve unleashed harsh words or yelled at our loved one that left us feeling unsettled, disconnected, and maybe even ashamed of our behavior. Sometimes we take the pathway of righteousness—”Well if they’d picked up their clothes after the first time I asked, I wouldn’t have gotten so mad.” Or sometimes we feel too vulnerable to start the conversation of repair first—”Well he needs to apologize first.”

Either pathway leads us feeling not only disconnected in our relationship to our loved one, but can also lead us to question our own identity…”I feel ashamed of my behavior therefore I’m not a good person.” In order to move toward repair, one has to acknowledge that while their behavior may not have been their best moment, one is a good person who had a rough moment. Repair is about going back to a moment in the story of your relationship to edit and repair the rupture in your connection thus allowing you and your loved one to return to connection and togetherness.

What is your vision for how you want to show up in your relationships? Repair leads us to feeling more empowered in caring for our relationship. Gottman’s research shows “Statistically, a marriage can survive The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, but only if partners learn to repair effectively. Without that, you get stuck in a finite game where even when one partner wins, you both end up losing.” In parent child relationships, repair supports parents in validating their child’s experience. When we say “It’s not your fault when I yelled” we are letting our children know their perceptions are accurate. Yes, we did yell in that moment. Yes, we were frustrated. And it’s our job to regulate our own bodies, just like we ask our children to do. As Dr. Becky Kennedy highlights, it’s not our goal to raise adults who say to their partners “I wouldn’t have yelled at you if you brought home toilet paper from the store.”

The good news is that it’s never too late to repair. If you’d like to explore more about repair in relationships, here are a few accessible resources:

https://katiecouric.com/lifestyle/parenting/becky-kennedy-parent-child-conflict/

https://www.hilaryjacobshendel.com/post/rupture-repair-part-1-infancy#:~:text=Ruptures%20are%20inevitable%20and%20even,accepting%2C%20curious%2C%20and%20playful.