Holidays

You may know the quote from Ram Das…“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”

For many of us, holidays with family can be stir up some old activation whether conscious or not. Holidays can be a complicated time. There can be so much excitement about coming together, the food, the sense of togetherness, but sometimes that comes with old patterns and wounds becoming activated: Envy that your sibling gets so much attention from one parent, annoyance that a parent questions your life decision to put off grad school or that you went to grad school but they wished you became a lawyer instead. Or the dreaded moment that someone makes a political statement that undercuts everything you believe and stand for. Often our activation comes from wishing that our family of origin saw and heard us in the ways we wish to be seen and heard.

As we move into this season, I find myself reflecting on the questions:

Where is there desire?

Where is there obligation?

How can I find a balance between what I might need this time of year and showing up in the ways my family wants me to?

This is a duality I hear often in my office…the conflict that arises when desire and obligation don’t match up. Maybe desire is in staying home, but the obligation is attending a certain gathering or being with family that doesn’t bring you happiness. Maybe there’s desire in wanting to spend time with family, but only certain family and not all. Maybe you want to see your friends from childhood, but not while getting intoxicated at the bar again this year. Often tied to these internal conflicts is feeling afraid that setting boundaries around your own desires may upset others. Avoidance is our strongest defense mechanism. And it’s commonly activated when it comes to choosing others’ expectations over own wishes and needs.

Whatever is coming up for you, I encourage you to consider your wishes and desires. How do you want to gather and connect this holiday season? What is important to you? Maybe obligation remains strong so as not to upset Gram on her 5th “possible last holiday.” If so, it’s ok to honor the obligation AND it’s important to carve out time for your own needs. How might you create space for both?